Do you ever feel alone in your role as an assistant? Have you ever experienced dehumanizing moments as people seem to look through you, to your executive?
In this episode, I share an excerpt from my audiobook, The Leader Assistant: Four Pillars of a Confident, Game-Changing Assistant, where I talk about the loneliness assistants can feel, as well as the dehumanization of our role.
I hope this episode reminds you that you’re not alone and encourages you to seek out a community of assistants to support you.
CONNECT WITH ME
ABOUT ME (JEREMY BURROWS)
I’m a longtime executive assistant, international speaker and trainer, founder of The Leader Assistant Community and Premium Membership, author of the #1 Amazon Bestselling book, The Leader Assistant: Four Pillars of a Confident, Game-Changing Assistant, and host of the #1 podcast for assistants – The Leader Assistant Podcast.
I’ve worked with CEOs, professional athletes, Fortune 100 board members, billionaires, pastors—and their assistants—in both the nonprofit and for-profit sectors.
I’ve also had the opportunity to speak at administrative professional and executive assistant conferences all over the world, including Hong Kong, Thailand, and Germany.
I’m currently EA to the Founder and CEO of Capacity, a fast-growing artificial intelligence SaaS startup with an AI-powered, support automation platform.
My passion is to help you lead well, resist burnout, and automate before you’re automated.
I live in Kansas City, MO with my amazing wife and 2 boys. My hobbies are podcasting, beer, music, stocks, and entrepreneurship.
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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
00:00:00.840 –> 00:00:03.340
JEREMY: Welcome to The Leader Assistant Podcast.
00:00:03.780 –> 00:00:07.000
JEREMY: Turn the volume up, this next part is good.
00:00:09.820 –> 00:00:17.540
<v SPEAKER_2>The Leader Assistant Podcast exists to encourage and challenge assistants to become confident, game-changing leader assistants.
00:00:22.160 –> 00:00:24.880
JEREMY: Hey, friends, thanks for tuning in to The Leader Assistant Podcast.
00:00:24.900 –> 00:00:38.100
JEREMY: It’s episode 132, and I am going to share an excerpt from my book, The Leader Assistant, Four Pillars of a Confident, Game-Changing Assistant.
00:00:38.440 –> 00:00:45.400
JEREMY: You can check out the full book at amazon.leaderassistant.com.
00:00:45.880 –> 00:00:58.120
JEREMY: There’s a digital ebook that you can read on your Kindle device or on your iPhone or on your desktop or in your browser or on your iPad via the Amazon Kindle app.
00:00:58.280 –> 00:01:04.960
JEREMY: You can also download it in the Apple iBooks store or Barnes & Noble ebook.
00:01:05.520 –> 00:01:06.800
JEREMY: Options should be available.
00:01:07.860 –> 00:01:18.120
JEREMY: So you can check it out at amazon.leaderassistant.com for the ebook, the paperback, hardcover, or the audio book.
00:01:18.660 –> 00:01:23.520
JEREMY: And that’s what you’re going to hear in a minute, is an excerpt from the audio book.
00:01:23.940 –> 00:01:27.900
JEREMY: So this excerpt is from Pillar 3.
00:01:27.920 –> 00:01:32.500
JEREMY: It’s the intro to Pillar 3, which is engage in relationships.
00:01:33.000 –> 00:01:37.500
JEREMY: And then it’s Chapter 19, which is the dehumanization of assistance.
00:01:37.520 –> 00:01:44.040
JEREMY: And I’m going to talk a little bit about the loneliness that we feel in our role as assistants.
00:01:44.900 –> 00:01:53.720
JEREMY: And I shared this chapter in the book on my blog recently, and a lot of people reached out and just said, man, I can so relate to this.
00:01:53.740 –> 00:01:54.640
JEREMY: Thank you for sharing.
00:01:54.660 –> 00:01:59.160
JEREMY: I’m glad I’m not the only one that experiences these types of interactions.
00:01:59.840 –> 00:02:02.960
JEREMY: So anyway, I wanted to share the excerpt of the book with you.
00:02:02.960 –> 00:02:06.380
JEREMY: Again, you can check out the entire book on Amazon.
00:02:06.940 –> 00:02:09.560
JEREMY: Go to amazon.leaderassistant.com.
00:02:09.580 –> 00:02:16.060
JEREMY: Or if you just want to download the first three chapters for free, you can go to leaderassistantbook.com.
00:02:17.000 –> 00:02:18.380
JEREMY: And yeah, I hope you enjoy it.
00:02:18.600 –> 00:02:29.960
JEREMY: One note, the intro to Pillar 3 includes some notes about how I currently work in an open office and how I currently live in St.
00:02:29.980 –> 00:02:30.340
JEREMY: Louis.
00:02:30.780 –> 00:02:41.240
JEREMY: However, I wrote this book and recorded the audiobook last year, so I actually did end up moving to Kansas City, and I do work fully remote.
00:02:42.060 –> 00:02:44.580
JEREMY: So I still work for the same company.
00:02:44.600 –> 00:02:46.880
JEREMY: I’m still an executive assistant full time.
00:02:46.900 –> 00:02:48.140
JEREMY: I love the role.
00:02:48.160 –> 00:02:51.560
JEREMY: I love my company and executive.
00:02:52.360 –> 00:02:53.540
JEREMY: Just a great partnership.
00:02:54.080 –> 00:03:06.560
JEREMY: But just when you hear that in the audiobook, if you’re confused, which you probably won’t be, but if you are, I am fully remote in Kansas City right now.
00:03:06.720 –> 00:03:11.420
JEREMY: And yeah, so enjoy and thanks for listening to the podcast.
00:03:11.560 –> 00:03:15.420
JEREMY: We’ve got a couple of great interviews coming up in the coming weeks.
00:03:16.020 –> 00:03:21.160
JEREMY: If you want to be on the show, send me an email at podcast at leaderassistant.com.
00:03:21.160 –> 00:03:26.620
JEREMY: I’d love to set up time to interview you and feature your story on the podcast.
00:03:27.440 –> 00:03:28.980
JEREMY: All right, enjoy and we’ll talk soon.
00:03:40.640 –> 00:03:43.600
JEREMY: You’ve probably heard the saying, It’s lonely at the top.
00:03:44.780 –> 00:03:54.300
JEREMY: It means it’s tough to make friends when you’re in a position of power, and it’s typically used when referring to CEOs, presidents, pastors, etc.
00:03:55.780 –> 00:04:03.160
JEREMY: A quick Google search tells me the saying originated from a Chinese proverb that literally means, It’s cold at the top of a mountain.
00:04:04.420 –> 00:04:07.080
JEREMY: Feel free to fact check this and send me an email if I’m wrong.
00:04:08.340 –> 00:04:11.540
JEREMY: The point is, your executive has one of the loneliest jobs.
00:04:12.440 –> 00:04:17.340
JEREMY: But you, the assistant who works side by side with them, also have one of the loneliest jobs.
00:04:18.420 –> 00:04:20.460
JEREMY: It’s cold at the top for you too.
00:04:21.880 –> 00:04:25.360
JEREMY: In my last role, I worked out of the founder’s home office most days.
00:04:26.720 –> 00:04:29.420
JEREMY: Just me and his dog hanging out by ourselves.
00:04:30.820 –> 00:04:38.560
JEREMY: In my current role, I’m in an open office with 70-plus team members, but I’m the only assistant, so I can still be lonely.
00:04:39.760 –> 00:04:47.160
JEREMY: Those times when you overhear a coworker plan a team outing while your team, or lack thereof, is comprised of you and your laptop.
00:04:48.420 –> 00:04:55.580
JEREMY: Or when it’s performance review season and your executive forgets to sit down with you to go over your evaluation.
00:04:56.940 –> 00:05:00.660
JEREMY: Or the countless times you’re the last one at the office working on a project.
00:05:02.220 –> 00:05:10.360
JEREMY: I experienced numerous moments of isolation, but I didn’t truly grasp how lonely the role of an assistant was until I left my last job.
00:05:11.680 –> 00:05:16.960
JEREMY: After submitting my resignation, I was left with my family and a couple of close friends.
00:05:17.980 –> 00:05:21.960
JEREMY: I was on the outside looking in and struggled to process the emotions I felt.
00:05:23.360 –> 00:05:25.160
JEREMY: Sure, a lot of people knew of me.
00:05:25.520 –> 00:05:28.160
JEREMY: This comes with the territory when you’re assistant to a founder.
00:05:28.840 –> 00:05:31.580
JEREMY: But very few people truly knew me.
00:05:32.660 –> 00:05:34.280
JEREMY: I still run into people around St.
00:05:34.300 –> 00:05:36.720
JEREMY: Louis who I thought were part of my community back then.
00:05:37.740 –> 00:05:42.480
JEREMY: I’m quickly reminded of my isolation when they say things like, Are you back in St.
00:05:42.500 –> 00:05:42.800
JEREMY: Louis?
00:05:43.440 –> 00:05:44.700
JEREMY: I thought you moved to Kansas City.
00:05:45.840 –> 00:05:47.200
JEREMY: Nope, I’ve been in St.
00:05:47.220 –> 00:05:48.560
JEREMY: Louis the entire time, friend.
00:05:49.680 –> 00:05:54.000
JEREMY: One of my all-time favorite TV series is a show called Rectify.
00:05:55.100 –> 00:06:03.220
JEREMY: The main character spends nearly 20 years on death row before a new DNA test nullifies his conviction and he’s released.
00:06:04.920 –> 00:06:11.120
JEREMY: I was watching one episode while still in the thick of trying to rectify, pun intended, my loneliness.
00:06:12.300 –> 00:06:16.200
JEREMY: This quote from the main character hit a bit too close to home for me.
00:06:18.100 –> 00:06:28.080
JEREMY: When you are alone with yourself all the time, with no one but yourself, you begin to go deeper and deeper into yourself until you lose yourself.
00:06:29.160 –> 00:06:30.780
JEREMY: It’s a perverse contradiction.
00:06:31.760 –> 00:06:35.980
JEREMY: It’s like your ego begins to disintegrate until you have no ego.
00:06:37.240 –> 00:06:44.580
JEREMY: Not in the sense that you become humble or gain some kind of perspective, but that you literally lose your sense of self.
00:06:46.000 –> 00:06:52.120
JEREMY: And I’m not sure anyone, unless they have gone through it, can truly understand how profound that loss is.
00:06:53.680 –> 00:06:57.420
JEREMY: I know my situation was nothing compared to being on death row for 20 years.
00:06:58.200 –> 00:07:02.180
JEREMY: And my lack of connection to others was partly my fault for giving up on people.
00:07:02.600 –> 00:07:03.460
JEREMY: More on this later.
00:07:04.540 –> 00:07:07.640
JEREMY: But this quote describes exactly how I felt at the time.
00:07:08.500 –> 00:07:11.680
JEREMY: I had lost my sense of self in the midst of serving others.
00:07:12.660 –> 00:07:16.300
JEREMY: I was disconnected from those who could understand what I was going through.
00:07:17.500 –> 00:07:21.660
JEREMY: If I was going to cross that glacier, I was going to have to do it alone.
00:07:23.180 –> 00:07:27.500
JEREMY: We’ll dive into how you can avoid ending up alone like I was in the coming chapters.
00:07:28.500 –> 00:07:32.480
JEREMY: But first, let’s look at one of the biggest contributors to my isolation.
00:07:33.240 –> 00:07:35.760
JEREMY: The dehumanizing nature of being an assistant.
00:07:37.700 –> 00:07:38.780
JEREMY: Chapter 19.
00:07:39.360 –> 00:07:41.560
JEREMY: The dehumanization of assistants.
00:07:42.720 –> 00:07:43.520
JEREMY: We’ve all been there.
00:07:44.360 –> 00:07:46.780
JEREMY: Someone across the room waves in your direction.
00:07:47.680 –> 00:07:51.260
JEREMY: You wave back, but then you quickly realize they weren’t waving at you.
00:07:52.060 –> 00:07:55.020
JEREMY: You pretend you were waving at someone else so you don’t look like a fool.
00:07:56.580 –> 00:08:01.720
JEREMY: A similar scenario happened to me over and over again during my time as an assistant at my last organization.
00:08:03.760 –> 00:08:06.640
JEREMY: I’d walk into a room and someone would come up to me and say hi.
00:08:07.660 –> 00:08:10.520
JEREMY: I’d say hi back, and we’d exchange small talk.
00:08:11.700 –> 00:08:16.720
JEREMY: As the conversation progressed, I’d realize this person wasn’t ultimately interested in me.
00:08:18.080 –> 00:08:19.960
JEREMY: This was a common conversation for me.
00:08:21.480 –> 00:08:22.360
JEREMY: How’s your boss doing?
00:08:23.300 –> 00:08:23.820
JEREMY: He’s good.
00:08:24.040 –> 00:08:26.420
JEREMY: Things are crazy busy as usual, but he’s hanging in there.
00:08:28.260 –> 00:08:28.700
JEREMY: Good, good.
00:08:29.780 –> 00:08:30.460
JEREMY: Awkward pause.
00:08:31.760 –> 00:08:36.100
JEREMY: Well, let him know I’m thinking about him and tell him if he ever needs anything to give me a call.
00:08:37.320 –> 00:08:37.840
JEREMY: Sure thing.
00:08:37.940 –> 00:08:38.560
JEREMY: Thanks a lot.
00:08:40.880 –> 00:08:44.560
JEREMY: On one hand, I saw these frequent interactions as just part of the job.
00:08:45.580 –> 00:08:47.260
JEREMY: However, they didn’t just happen at work.
00:08:48.040 –> 00:08:55.880
JEREMY: They occurred off the clock in social settings, during random run-ins at the grocery store, via text messages, and more.
00:08:57.100 –> 00:09:01.120
JEREMY: Deep down, I know my value as a human being doesn’t come from other people.
00:09:01.820 –> 00:09:09.120
JEREMY: However, when the people I interacted with continued to look through me and at my executive, it took a toll.
00:09:10.680 –> 00:09:11.940
JEREMY: It was dehumanizing.
00:09:13.060 –> 00:09:17.400
JEREMY: I felt like a tool that others used to get the inside scoop on my executive.
00:09:19.020 –> 00:09:23.460
JEREMY: I felt less like a valuable human and more like a robot.
00:09:24.460 –> 00:09:31.640
JEREMY: I eventually gave up trying to relate to people as friends of mine, and instead related to almost everyone as friends of my executive.
00:09:32.660 –> 00:09:35.380
JEREMY: I stopped opening up and being vulnerable with others.
00:09:36.120 –> 00:09:40.560
JEREMY: I assumed anyone who tried to get close to me just wanted to use me to get to my executive.
00:09:42.260 –> 00:09:47.120
JEREMY: I thought the dehumanizing experiences I had as an assistant were just the way the world is.
00:09:48.480 –> 00:09:52.780
JEREMY: It became difficult to believe the best about people, and it still is to this day.
00:09:54.260 –> 00:09:56.180
JEREMY: People are drawn to power.
00:09:57.080 –> 00:10:00.960
JEREMY: People like to befriend those in power more than those supporting the ones in power.
00:10:01.900 –> 00:10:06.560
JEREMY: They want to be in these power relationships to make themselves feel important.
00:10:07.920 –> 00:10:13.660
JEREMY: Once you are aware of someone’s motives, it’s no longer surprising when they get close to you to get close to your executive.
00:10:14.440 –> 00:10:15.800
JEREMY: But it’s still dehumanizing.
00:10:17.200 –> 00:10:25.420
JEREMY: It has been years since I left my previous organization, and I can count on one hand the number of people who’ve reached out along the way to see how I was doing.
00:10:26.560 –> 00:10:32.880
JEREMY: All the while, dozens upon dozens reached out to my previous executive, who was fired, to check in on him.
00:10:34.460 –> 00:10:38.460
JEREMY: People are drawn to those in power, even when the powerful fall.
00:10:40.140 –> 00:10:44.100
JEREMY: Of course, executives also contribute to the dehumanization of assistants.
00:10:45.960 –> 00:10:53.920
JEREMY: One assistant told me their executive walked by their desk every day for years but rarely acknowledged their presence and never even learned their name.
00:10:55.420 –> 00:11:02.360
JEREMY: Countless more assistants have shared their stories of disrespectful and abusive executives, as well as hostile work environments.
00:11:04.060 –> 00:11:04.700
JEREMY: What about you?
00:11:05.360 –> 00:11:08.420
JEREMY: Do people try to get close to you just to get close to your executive?
00:11:09.620 –> 00:11:12.480
JEREMY: Do your friends change based on whom you’re supporting?
00:11:13.660 –> 00:11:17.360
JEREMY: Do coworkers introduce guests to your executive but not to you?
00:11:18.420 –> 00:11:19.940
JEREMY: Is your executive abusive?
00:11:21.200 –> 00:11:29.800
JEREMY: To engage in relationships in a professional and helpful way, first acknowledge where you’ve experienced dehumanizing relationships.
00:11:31.000 –> 00:11:31.920
JEREMY: Vulnerability.
00:11:33.380 –> 00:11:37.280
JEREMY: When I was a teenager, I was emotionally aware and willing to be vulnerable.
00:11:37.960 –> 00:11:41.660
JEREMY: At the time, I thought it was great to be the guy the girls could rely on.
00:11:42.840 –> 00:11:48.340
JEREMY: These female friends would tell me everything as we chatted on AOL Instant Messenger at all hours of the night.
00:11:49.300 –> 00:11:53.540
JEREMY: I fell in love with a few of them, I bet you saw this coming, and shared how I felt.
00:11:55.180 –> 00:11:57.680
JEREMY: Time after time, I’d get the dreaded response.
00:11:58.540 –> 00:12:01.440
JEREMY: Jeremy, that’s sweet, but you’re like a brother to me.
00:12:02.640 –> 00:12:03.500
JEREMY: I’d be crushed.
00:12:04.900 –> 00:12:08.080
JEREMY: I repeatedly fell in love with people who didn’t share my sentiment.
00:12:09.440 –> 00:12:14.960
JEREMY: Eventually, I chose to avoid the pain involved with being so vulnerable and started to close myself off emotionally.
00:12:16.440 –> 00:12:23.500
JEREMY: I then found out my dad had an emotional affair, which affirmed and amplified my newfound reluctance toward vulnerability.
00:12:24.600 –> 00:12:32.140
JEREMY: I was well on my way to shutting down emotionally, and all of this was before the dehumanizing relationships I experienced as an assistant.
00:12:34.400 –> 00:12:37.700
JEREMY: Over time, I didn’t simply stop being vulnerable with people.
00:12:38.580 –> 00:12:41.520
JEREMY: I began to neglect and avoid relationships altogether.
00:12:42.960 –> 00:12:45.100
JEREMY: I convinced myself I didn’t need people.
00:12:46.160 –> 00:12:51.460
JEREMY: At the time of my career shakeup, I was connected to just one assistant whom I could call.
00:12:52.660 –> 00:12:56.200
JEREMY: I’ve since connected with other assistants who’ve been through what I’ve been through.
00:12:57.080 –> 00:13:04.280
JEREMY: This has been refreshing and encouraging as I attempt to rebuild my relationship capacity one conversation at a time.
00:13:05.680 –> 00:13:16.060
JEREMY: I’m much less cynical and cold-hearted than I was before, and although I still keep things close to my chest for a long time, I’m at least aware of the struggle.
00:13:17.800 –> 00:13:21.640
JEREMY: On one hand, I want to encourage you to be vulnerable and open up to others.
00:13:22.500 –> 00:13:30.300
JEREMY: As Alfred Lord Tennyson put, Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, right?
00:13:31.480 –> 00:13:35.360
JEREMY: On the other hand, I want to tell you not to trust anyone and to go it alone.
00:13:37.060 –> 00:13:41.280
JEREMY: I’m not going to do that, though, because I now know that’s a miserable way to live.
00:13:42.440 –> 00:13:51.900
JEREMY: Instead, I’ll encourage you to be vulnerable, take risks, and put yourself out there, but also to be aware of how people might use or abuse you.
00:13:53.280 –> 00:14:00.620
JEREMY: Life is too short to journey across glaciers alone, but it’s also too short to let others walk over you to climb their own glacier.
00:14:02.060 –> 00:14:04.260
JEREMY: Take an audit of your current relationships.
00:14:04.900 –> 00:14:09.200
JEREMY: Then do your best to limit the time spent with those who use you.
00:14:10.840 –> 00:14:17.320
JEREMY: If you’re not sure which of your relationships are healthy, find a trusted friend with an outside perspective to help.
00:14:18.940 –> 00:14:26.520
JEREMY: Hopefully, you haven’t experienced many dehumanizing interactions in your career, but if you have, please don’t shut down.
00:14:27.600 –> 00:14:30.060
JEREMY: See a counselor or therapist like I did.
00:14:31.600 –> 00:14:34.180
JEREMY: Hire a personal development or career coach.
00:14:35.340 –> 00:14:37.380
JEREMY: Take calculated risks.
00:14:38.600 –> 00:14:42.960
JEREMY: Be vulnerable before you’re stuck without anyone to be vulnerable with.
00:14:44.780 –> 00:14:53.500
JEREMY: In the rest of Pillar 3, we’ll look at growing your network of assistants, then walk through ways to lead your relationships with your executive and your coworkers.
00:14:54.660 –> 00:15:01.460
JEREMY: I hope you enjoyed this excerpt from my audio book, The Leader Assistant, Four Pillars of a Confident, Game-Changing Assistant.
00:15:01.500 –> 00:15:06.720
JEREMY: You can check out the entire audio book at audio.leaderassistant.com.
00:15:07.380 –> 00:15:08.760
JEREMY: Thank you for being a leader.
00:15:18.482 –> 00:15:21.242
<v SPEAKER_2>Please review on Apple Podcasts.
00:15:22.302 –> 00:15:24.122
<v SPEAKER_2>goburrows.com
